Thursday, September 11, 2008

Sometimes I wish my thinking abilities were disabled. Unabridged (v 1.1) -
Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[in-si-kyoor] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
1.subject to fears, doubts, etc.; not self-confident or assured.
I don't think I've been ever so insecure about everything about me, more than I am or have been recently. I don't know, I guess I see gorgeous stick thin girls and I suppose I think to myself "Why can't I be like that?". I don't know why I can't be like that, I really don't. I try hard and it doesn't work for me. I swear I'm cursed. It makes me 10 times more insecure about me and my relationship with Ryan than I've been in awhile. I suppose I'm scared that maybe he'll leave me for some tiny gorgeous girl? I don't know, Maybe I'm afraid that he won't be attracted to me in 2 years, a year a month? Tomorrow even, I'm scared that the "I want to be with you forever" won't last forever because he isn't attracted to me, because I'm not tiny. I suppose that the fact his ex was like a size 0 and I'm not. She was tiny, and was probably better than me at a lot of things. There's somethings I just can't change. Like the way I feel, and how insecure I am about...everything that has to do with me. Doesn't matter how many times people tell me he's in love with me or he wont leave me.. I'm still scared it might happen. I don't ever want to lose what I have, because what I have is amazing, Ryan is amazing. I just don't feel like I can give him what he wants and needs. I'm needy and annoying and I can't go 30 minutes with out hearing his voice or seeing him. I love him and he's clearly everything to me, my world revolves around him basically.
I guess sometimes it doesn't get through my head that he might actually love me... he might actually want to be with me. All I think about is, I can't do that, I'm too shy, I can't play games with him, I feel like an idiot. I can't do a lot of the things he does. I don't like half the things he does, but I want to do them with him because...well it makes me feel closer to him. I don't know whats wrong with me. Maybe I'm not good enough.. for him... for anyone. Insecurities have control over 99.9% of my mind. I guess that's my fault for letting people in that didn't deserve to be close. Anyways, I suppose this rant is over? Maybe... Maybe not. I'm still in a horrible mood. Maybe tomorrow will be better? Probably not. I'll post more often.

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